


steel forged with loyalty, steel forged with strength

by justamostlyabandonedficaccount



Category: Naruto
Genre: ;), Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, BAMF Uzumaki Kushina, Bs fuuinjutsu theory, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Child Soldiers, Dark, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fuuinjutsu, Gen, Hatake Kakashi-centric, Headcanon, Hurt/Comfort, Idk what I’m doing, Implied Relationships, Kakashi is A Brat, Kannabi Bridge Mission, Kid Hatake Kakashi, Maybe - Freeform, Moral Dilemmas, Moral Lessons, Philosophy, Pre-Kannabi Bridge Mission, Unreliable Narrator, Uzushiogakure | Hidden Eddy Village, Worldbuilding, bby kakashi didn't deserve this ;(, but prodigies suck at teaching, headcanon that Hatakes are from uzushio accepted, i mean its 3rd shinobi war what'd u expect?, kushina to the rescue!, minato means well, naruto bs timeline frustrates me, possibly, sometimes, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-07-13 05:38:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16011398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justamostlyabandonedficaccount/pseuds/justamostlyabandonedficaccount
Summary: The Hatake clan was originally from Uzushio.The Hatake are not trusted. For in the end, they are Uzushio’s and will always be Uzushio’s. Nothing will ever change that.(Kakashi tries to ignore the teachings of his father, the stories of his heritage. It doesn’t work as well as he’d like it to. All he wants is to be one of Konoha’s own, to not be the possible flight risk, the traitor. Is that too much to ask?)





	1. Origin

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [running on empty](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6813025) by [Prinzenhasserin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prinzenhasserin/pseuds/Prinzenhasserin). 



> Don’t Own.
> 
> So, um, ignore any timeline discrepancies with canon. That’s all I can say. I spent hours and hours just trying to put together a reasonable timeline and Naruto wiki and direct sources DID NOT HELP ME. SO Im bullshitting half of it. Just go with it, k?
> 
> Also, thanks so so so so much for my new beta, falterth!!! They are awesome you guys, AWESOME.
> 
> Fuuinjutsu theory is bullshit, I know. Please go with it for the sake of the story, though, please...

Kakashi isn’t yet eight months old when his father takes him to a place with white roses and a newly carved gravestone. There is no overturned dirt—shinobi burn their dead and scatter the ashes, for anything can be used as a weapon.

 

A young girl with blood-red hair is sobbing next to Kakashi’s father, who towers above the rest like a steady but shadowed pillar of strength. There are a few others there, such as a beautiful kunoichi with long blonde hair and her teammates, two men of vastly different appearances, one with many snake-like features, and the other with a mane of white hair and red marks streaking down his face. Behind them, a middle-aged shinobi, with wrinkles already creasing his tired eyes, stands with his wife and children. For once, the man has forgone the robes that usually mark his high status.

  
  
The public ceremony had been held a few days ago, with hundreds in attendance for the First Hokage’s wife, an Uzushio princess that many respected and loved. The Third Hokage had spoken to the crowds, murmuring of allies and strength and the Will of Fire. But now such formalities are stripped away, and those who were closest to the regal princess gather to mourn together.

  
  
The gravestone, simple but elegant, is carved out of white marble, with a few characters on the front that reads only a name and title. In a sort of morbid irony, the gravestone perfectly replicates Uzumaki Mito’s direct, practical nature and the queenly air she had held herself with. If the woman was still alive, she likely would have greatly approved of its design.

  
  
The first to leave this solemn event is actually little Kakashi and his father. Baby Kakashi, not understanding what had occurred, and disturbed by the sorrowful air, had begun to cry even as his father tried to pay his respects to the dead Uzumaki princess. Sakumo, after giving hurried apologies to the others, quickly disappears with his upset child.

  
  
It is later that night, while tiny Kakashi is gently being rocked to sleep, that Hatake Sakumo gently presses a soft kiss to the top of the baby Hatake’s head.  
  
”Thank the Sage you are here, my little scarecrow. I don’t think I could ever bear to lose you, too.”  
  
Kakashi, still far too new to the world, does not understand his father’s words.  
  


* * *

  
  
Kakashi is one, a toddler now.

  
  
He is perched on his father’s shoulders, still not quite ready to walk the long distance to Uzumaki Kushina’s apartment, and watching the world with the kind of rapt awe only seen in young children. His father knocks on the apartment door in front of them, and it creaks open to reveal a young blond boy. He recognizes them, and hurriedly invites them in, putting a finger to his lips when Sakumo tries to greet him.

  
  
The red-haired Uzumaki child is curled up on an old couch, fast asleep. Kakashi's father notices and smiles, eyes crinkling up at the corners. A soft conversation is struck up between the two men, with whispered questions of the girl’s well-being and whether the last Uzumaki is coping with the death of the last of her family a few months ago. Kakashi is bored and impatient, as young as he is, and squirms in his father's hold. He does not stop until Sakumo relents, and gently lowers Kakashi to the ground, before turning back to the boy.

  
  
Kakashi ignores them, and after glancing around curiously, begins to investigate the room, toddling from one corner to the next. There are a few pieces of furniture, and Kakashi attempts to reach under the couches and chairs in hopes of finding some sort of treasure. Ignored by the two older men, he slowly makes his way to the sleeping Uzumaki. It is her bright red hair that attracts the little Hatake’s attention. Kakashi observes the beautiful and foreign tresses for a moment, before grasping a lock firmly in his tiny grip and yanking—hard. The Uzumaki shoots up with a yell, fists clenched and hair floating above her in nine parts like a demon from a fiery prison. Kakashi topples in shock and falls back onto the seat of his jumper. The toddler sucks in a sharp breath, before letting out an ear-splitting howl. 

  
Within the next thirty seconds, there is complete and utter chaos as Sakumo frantically tries to calm his son and Namikaze Minato futilely attempts to flee from Kushina's wrath. By the time everyone has calmed again, Uzumaki Kushina is once more curled up on the couch, Minato sporting a few bruises, and both of her guests seated around her with Kakashi in Kushina's lap. There is a small smile on the girl's face as she entertains the little Hatake, and the future maybe seems a little brighter to each person in the room.

  
  
When it's time for the Hatake family to leave, Uzumaki Kushina presses a soft kiss on the crown of Kakashi's head, and whispers a soft, "Thank you," in Kakashi's ear.

  
  
Kakashi does not understand, but from that moment on, he will have a big sister to protect him for as long as she lives. 

 

* * *

 

Kakashi is two years old, and wants bedtime stories of brave ninjas and scary monsters before he falls asleep. Sakumo, the loving and caring single father that he is, is easily susceptible to his son's puppy eyes. Most days, there are stories of missions, where shinobi save the princess or kill the monster. Other days, there are stories of villages where the sun lights the roofs of a village fiery red and the sea that crashes against the shore.

  
  
But there is one story that Kakashi’s father is particularly fond of telling. The story goes like this:  
  
There once was a shinobi with hair as bright as the sun setting over the sea, and eyes the color of the purple that streaked the sky at dusk. This shinobi was a descendent of the Moon Goddess, trapped forever in a prison of the making of her own son. The shinobi was looking for a home, a clan to belong to, for in those days the lands were divided, and no clan could trust outside their own. This shinobi wandered the lands, through deserts, waterfalls, forests, and mountains. Still, the shinobi could not find a family. But one day, the shinobi came upon an island, surrounded by deadly whirlpools, where the wind was the master of the sea, and storms governed them. It was here the shinobi found their spouse, with hair both the color of fire, and eyes that captured the beauty of the ocean.  
  
The shinobi founded a family, one that grew and grew, protected by its surroundings. This family was kind, a family that accepted all. Whenever another sought refuge, the family would invite the one in need to join them. The Hatake Clan had been just one of those welcomed into their fold. This family of many prospered, and when other enemies from outside of the sea and storms came, every one of its members willingly protecting the family with all their life.  
  
They protected this family, though it was not always their first, because it was home. Their home, their village, would come to be known as one of the strongest of villages, despite its diminutive size. The village’s, _Uzushiogakure’s_ , strength was always in its unwavering loyalty and dedication to its people, its home.

  
  
Sakumo does not finish this story. He does not say that one was a traitor, a traitor working for Kiri. He does not say that Uzushio, despite its strength, fell years ago, leaving only a few fleeing stragglers, and survivors that had not been in the village at the time of the massacre. Finally, he does not speak of how the Hatake are one such family of survivors, carrying the legacy of loyalty and family. Sakumo does not finish simply because his son was lulled to sleep to what might as well have been a fairy tail.  
  
Sakumo smiles, gently presses a kiss to his son’s head, and leaves the bedroom.  
  
  
Little Kakashi will not understand the significance of this story, the story of Uzushio and its founding principles, for a long, long time.  
  


* * *

  
  
Kakashi is three when his father takes Kakashi with him to the market for the first time he can remember. Normally, Kakashi would be left at home, but recently the little Hatake had been developing a somewhat unhealthy interest in his father’s kunai stash. The last straw was likely when the toddler had experimentally grabbed one on the wrong end while his father was out to restock on shuriken for the next mission.

 

Kakashi’s small hand is held by his father’s, and the little Hatake can’t stop himself from observing everything he sees with eager fascination. Konoha is truly a beautiful city, full of bright colors and eye-catching decorations. Paper lanterns hang in beautiful shades of emerald green, shining gold and dark red, and large banners hang from the sides of buildings, graceful characters painted to announce wares and names of shops. Many vendors line the streets, and the bustle of the city is almost overwhelming to little Hatake Kakashi, who rarely leaves the Hatake residence as it is.

 

Kakashi’s father gently tugs on his small hand, leading him down a twisty path to a different part in Konoha. The streets are emptier and somehow wider, with no shady alleys or hidden corners. A few Hashirama trees grow where plain-roofed buildings are not, trunks so large not even Kakashi’s father could wrap his arms all the way around them, unlike when he hugs Kakashi. The boughs are large, and most of the trees are at least a third taller than the buildings around them. Some parts of the tree are bare of leaves, the same parts where the bark of the branches are worn and smooth. As Kakashi observes, a blur whizzes across the rooftops, not even hesitating as it moves through those same patches in the tree. He points wordlessly and turns demanding eyes to his father, who sighs but smiles indulgently.

 

“That’s a shinobi, Kashi-chan.”

 

The “Kashi-chan” in question huffs irritably, narrowing his eyes at his father. Both Hatakes know _exactly_ how much Kakashi hates that nickname. His father simply continues to smile, though his expression has taken on a more teasing note.

 

The small family continues on, past groups of younger shinobi, many wearing matching vests. They’re all much taller than Kakashi, so Kakashi ignores them. Taller people tend to act silly when he looks up at them, so he generally doesn’t try. There are a few lone shinobi on the street too, though they tend to be wearing odd and flashy clothes and oftentimes are carrying large or ridiculous weapons. Sometimes, the weapon is both large _and_ ridiculous. When he mentions this to his father, annoyingly enough, the man has the nerve to laugh at him.

 

Their destination is apparently a clean but plain store, and either young Kakashi is misinterpreting the characters above the door or the place is literally called “Strong Steel Shop.” His father enters first, almost having to duck to enter. Like most places in Konoha, Hatake Sakumo’s frankly ridiculous height was not accounted for when the shop was designed. Kakashi dutifully follows, tiny and comically purposeful.

 

Kakashi’s father immediately heads for the counter, ignoring the other patrons scattered around the shop. As the store owner begins to bargain with the older Hatake, Kakashi takes the chance to look around. He still hasn’t quite mastered the mask of aloof uninterest, and his curiosity is obvious in his innocent grey eyes.

 

The walls are plain, and there are little to no decorations in the room. A chuunin stands on the other side of his father, inspecting some kunai. On Kakashi’s side, in the corner of the shop, there is a shinobi with a tanto strapped to his back, like Kakashi’s father when he’s about to go on a mission. The man is wearing mostly standard shinobi gear, seemingly forgettable. Almost subconsciously, Kakashi’s gaze moved up to land on the shinobi’s face. Ugly scars crisscrossed the side of the shinobi’s jaw, a common sort of scarring seen on many shinobi that had been on the frontlines in or near Kumo. The scars are not what make Kakashi flinch back in fear, though.

 

It’s the expression of hateful resentment and suspicion aimed directly at his father.

 

The minute movement Kakashi makes, unfortunately, immediately catches the shinobi’s attention. His eyes snap to Kakashi, gaze burning like a fire jutsu.

 

Slowly, his lips pull back, baring his teeth like an animal.

 

Kakashi freezes. His muscles lock, he can’t move and that man will attack him any second but if he does move he’ll _die_ —

 

“ _Don’t_ use killing intent on my son, _Zaraki-san_.”

 

The feeling of panic cuts off abruptly, and Kakashi gulps in air that he forgot to take in for a precious few seconds. His father is no longer beside him, instead pinning the shinobi to the wall and holding a kunai to his throat.

 

“Of course, Hatake- _san_ ,” The shinobi’s voice holds a hint of derision, though it does not show on his face.

 

“I _will_ report you for using killing intent on a minor, _Tokubetsu Jounin_.”

 

“Oh? And they’d _trust_ you?”

 

His father’s smile is tight. He doesn’t answer.

 

“Come along, Kakashi, we’re going home.”

 

He drops the scarred shinobi from where he’s holding him against the wall, and reaches to grab Kakashi’s hand.

 

Kakashi doesn’t protest.

  


On the walk on the way back, Kakashi can’t help but notice how not a single shinobi ever comes within five feet of the Hatakes. Kakashi makes sure to not look up at their faces, just in case.

 

When the two arrive home, Kakashi asks why the man didn’t like them.

 

“We’re not from here, Kakashi-kun. Shinobi are paranoid.”

 

Kakashi doesn’t understand.

  


* * *

 

  
Kakashi is four, and he’s in the academy. His sensei preaches of the Will of Fire.  


_The Will of Fire,_ they say, _is the Will to protect the Village, the Will that comes from Love for our noble Konohagakure. It is the Will to fight for your home, for everything in and about the village that makes it your home, and is what makes you more than just a ninja, but a ninja of_ Konoha.

  
Kakashi doesn’t get it. He doesn’t have any sort of want to protect Konoha, other than a need to protect his father. He is a shinobi because his father is a shinobi, and one day Kakashi will surpass him, or at the very least, make his father proud. This whole “Will of Fire” thing, Kakashi thinks, is stupid.

 

* * *

 

Kakashi is soon to turn five, and is often left by himself. Rising tension at the borders and the war between the other Elemental Countries mean that Kakashi’s father is called away on unavoidable missions more and more often. Sometimes he’ll stay with his Kushina-neesan, but even she is needed out in the field from time to time, for “special missions.” Kakashi understands, sort of, and does his best to take care of himself and the house while his father is away.

 

Kakashi won’t admit it when his father _is_ home, but the nights that only Kakashi occupies the Hatake home, he almost can’t bring himself to leave his room. The house echoes emptily when he walks down the halls, and the kitchen is frigid and still. Not even his own room is warm enough, it seems, even when Kakashi piles a mountain of blankets on his futon and curls up beneath them. Finally, Kakashi can’t stand the shivers and curious hollowness in his chest any longer. He begins to spend as many hours as he can outside, once going as far as to spend the night on the porch of the Hatake home.

 

Many hours of his day are spent in front of a target in the small training field meant for Academy students. Sometimes, a few other students, usually female, will stay behind and watch. Eventually, though, his sparse audience always leaves, either dragged home by their family or departing with the setting of the sun.

 

The rest of Kakashi’s free time is spent wandering through the streets, simply watching the civilians go about their day to day business. Not many approach or speak to him, as clan children, especially prodigies, tend to unnerve civilians with their unnatural intelligence and unnerving maturity. Kakashi takes care not to wander down any streets with a particularly large number of shinobi, acutely aware of the general dislike of the Hatake family among the forces of Konoha.

 

Kakashi, though he had found the Academy dull and repetitious in the past, slowly finds that now the place is much more tolerable, if not enjoyable, while his father is gone. The curious hollowness in his chest tends to lessen while he’s there, despite the deafening noise coming from the other shinobi-in-training, and the tedious lectures Kakashi must sit through when he already knows the material. Sometimes, he secretly wishes the school day would last much longer.

 

Kakashi doesn’t figure out what the empty feeling in his chest is until his father gets a mission that will leave Kakashi alone for five weeks in a row. When Kakashi throws an uncharacteristically immature fit about it, Sakumo, tired but patient, worriedly asks if Kakashi is _lonely._ Of course, little, four-years-and-three-quarters-old Kakashi is _not_ lonely _,_ and _why_ in the world would his father _ask_ such a question? _Hatake Kakashi_ is a _big kid,_ an Academy student. Academy students are too _old_ to be lonely, obviously _. Didn’t you know that, Tou-san?_

 

...Or at least, that’s what Kakashi tells his father _._

 

Kakashi is _definitely_ lonely, and _certainly_ far too prideful for a kid that’s four years (and three quarters) old.

 

Luckily, (or maybe not so lucky for Kakashi) Sakumo is perceptive and _very_ aware of how his little boy thinks, and so is not convinced by the adamant denial. Instead, he suggests Kakashi visit the _park_.

 

Kakashi _does not_ want to go to the park.

 

No.

 

Like most parents, of course, Sakumo ignores Kakashi’s refusal. Before the four-year-old knows it, his father is informing him of the time he will pick Kakashi up from the park as he stands in front of the park entrance. Still caught off-guard by his father’s devious and heartless betrayal, Kakashi does not remember to protest before his father disappears through well-timed use of the body flicker technique. After a moment of hesitation, Kakashi slowly turns in the direction of the playground. What does he do now, anyway?

 

There’s a few children on the swings, though most of the children seem to be engaged in a game of what is likely to be ninja. The game looks fun, but Kakashi has no idea what to do in order to convince the other children to let him participate. Does he show off his skills? Does he ask someone if he can join? Who does he ask? Kakashi swallows.

  


In the end, the visit in the park somehow turns out wonderfully well. Kakashi’s not sure how it happened, but he’s eventually invited to join in a game of ninja. He wins, of course (as if there was any chance he’d lose) and when his father arrives to pick him up as the late afternoon turns to evening, Kakashi is excitedly bouncing on the balls of his feet. The way back home is filled with happy chatter as Kakashi meticulously recounts a heavily-biased version of the game of ninja he’d participated in that afternoon. Sakumo patiently listens to his tale, smiling softly. The rest of the evening is filled with laughter and closeness, and Kakashi goes to bed that night feeling much lighter than before.

 

Early the next day, Hatake Sakumo leaves for one of his longest missions yet. The hollowness returns with a vengeance.

 

And so Kakashi’s loneliness drives him to try (and the keyword here is _try_ ), for the first time, to make friends with his peers. Before his father started going on longer and longer missions, Kakashi had never made any attempt to interact with other children. He simply didn’t find it necessary. Kakashi had his father and that was all he needed. This was no longer the case now, though, and little Kakashi was desperate.

 

He first attempts to make friends start with the odd group of civilian kunoichi-in-training girls that follow him around. Surely they will play with him? Now, normally, any little boy would wrinkle his nose at the thought of hanging out with _girls._ Girls had cooties, after all. Kakashi, however, was ignorant of almost all of the unspoken rules that go hand-in-hand with interacting with other children. He approaches the group with a bit of apprehension, but is too determined to give up on his quest.

 

...That is, until he discovers they’re all as dense as doorknobs...incredibly dangerous and _fanatical_ doorknobs.

 

Kakashi does his best to avoid the little monsters as best he can, after that.

 

Kakashi’s second attempt is to befriend one of the clan kids. He encounters failure on this front too, however, when he discovers that the shinobi hatred of the Hatake clan is also passed down to their children. He doesn’t bother with the clan children after that.

 

The last group of children, civilian boys, reject him too. Apparently, being a “prodigy” and having all the civilian girls following him around is _not_ a selling point.

 

One boy in the class, a clan kid that’s rejected by even the other clan kids, Kakashi hasn’t tried to befriend. He’s an Uchiha, the dead-last, and a crybaby. He frustrates Kakashi, and every time Kakashi is around the other boy Kakashi wants to hit something. He’s not sure why, but it’s probably because he’s got a large, esteemed family, a friend named Rin, and always has a smile on his face. It’s not fair, Kakashi thinks, that boy has it all, even though he fails at _everything._ He’s _useless,_ to his clan, his friend, his future team, and the village. Why is _Kakashi,_ who is better than the Uchiha at everything, who will be a strong shinobi, the one to be _rejected?_

 

It’s not _fair_ . Kakashi doesn’t _understand_.

  


* * *

 

Later, when his father comes back from a failed mission and the war truly begins, Kakashi is not only envied for his talents, but mocked and shunned by other children. When Kakashi graduates, he is shunted from genin team to team, always ultimately rejected, before finally landing with a young, newly-minted jounin who has likely never taught anyone in his life.

 

The horrible, empty feeling in his chest doesn’t go away even though his father is around now. Despite his father being forbidden from taking missions, it seems Hatake Sakumo is around his son even less than before. Especially after Kakashi lashes out because it was his father’s fault that no one in this village liked him. Kakashi doesn’t mean it but he also does and Kakashi just wants everything to go back to the way things were before The Mission.

  
Kakashi doesn’t understand his father or the village, and he certainly doesn’t understand himself or his feelings.


	2. In the Forge of Pain and Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi becomes a chuunin.
> 
> The shinobi world is hard and unforgiving.
> 
> Kakashi tries to be a Good Shinobi, despite this.

Kakashi’s changed. His sixth birthday has come and gone, and Kakashi shuts out any sort of warm thoughts. His father is gone and it’s plain that as the last Hatake, a prodigy, and Konoha shinobi, his only purpose is to serve the village. And maybe, one day, prove that the Hatake family _is_ loyal to Konohagakure. Every day, every hour, he trains. He ignores (but still hears) the villagers that spit on him (and the words that creep into his mind painfully, _slowly_ , like a poison), working like a machine towards a goal that only he can see.  
  
  
  
Because of Sakumo’s death and Kakashi’s genin status, Kakashi is seen as an adult in the eyes of the village and therefore needs no guardian, despite his age. Kakashi still lives in the Hatake house even though it’s where his father died. This is mostly because he hasn’t figured out how to access Sakumo’s money, which is stored in the only bank in Konoha. The minute Kakashi earns enough money from missions, however, he will move into his very own apartment. Maybe then he’ll be able to sleep without a ghost hovering out of the corner of his eyes.  
  
  
  
Kakashi’s genin-sensei is a man that is often in the fields, a rising god among shinobi. Kakashi’s father had told him stories about Namikaze Minato, stories of the few times they were on the same mission or when his father had bumped into him on the streets. Kakashi’s not sure how to feel about the bright but young jounin-sensei. One minute Minato-sensei is a little dorky and absent-minded, and the next he lives up to his status as a jounin as he stares down some of the more rowdy chuunin that bother Kakashi. Mostly, Kakashi decides to respect him.  
  
  
  
Kushina-neesan also knows his sensei, perhaps a little too well. Kakashi’s not sure why they’re trying so hard to hide their relationship—they’re doing a horrible job at it. He doesn’t care much, though, so he plays along.  
  
  
  
Both Kushina-neesan and Minato-sensei want Kakashi to move in with them, but Kakashi insists he’s just fine on his own. It’s best not to rely on people too heavily, after all. He’s a shinobi, and any obvious attachments could be used against him.  
  
  
  
(Not only that, but attachments _hurt,_ and Kakashi, in the end, is only human. So he hides and runs and puts up walls. Hatake Kakashi will _not_ be hurt again.)  
  
  
  
Though Minato-sensei is a prodigious jounin, he isn’t exactly an amazing teacher. In fact, he’s downright terrible at instructing and explaining. Minato-sensei tends to forget his student is only six, so he often tries to impart advanced concepts and techniques that are too complex for Kakashi to understand. The times Sensei does remember Kakashi’s age, he is never sure exactly what or how to teach Kakashi. The basics Kakashi needs to learn come almost naturally to the older genius jounin, and at this point might as well be instincts. Trying to teach the needed techniques and strategies is difficult for Minato-sensei, try as he might to teach them to little Kakashi.  
  
  
  
In the end, Kakashi learns and improves through observing and copying, along with a healthy dose of field experience and Kushina’s vital advice. It works pretty well for him, and before Kakashi knows it, his skills have improved dramatically.  
  
  
  
This improvement, of course, does not go unnoticed, and Kakashi is field-promoted to chuunin.  
  
  
  
Despite his promotion, he is still only six. For the first few months after his promotion, Kakashi’s life does not change. He still runs lower-ranked missions with Minato-sensei, and if he isn’t busy with missions he unfailingly trains until he hits the ground. Besides Kakashi’s new habit of calling Minato “shishou” and the chuunin vest that slips off of Kakashi’s shoulders when he wears it, Kakashi might as well have not been given a promotion at all.  
  
  
  
Then the war— _the one his father started_ , say the whispers—gets worse, and Kakashi is called out into the field.

 

( _He’s too young_ , everyone says, but nobody attempts to actually do anything about it. _He’s too young._ They send him out anyway.)

 

While Kakashi is not necessarily sent to the frontlines, the missions he is sent on are dangerous too. Kakashi mostly does supply runs, infiltration, and relays information like the older genin, shinobi with too much political power to risk dying, and shinobi that suffer from a crippling injury. While the chances of death are significantly lower on these sorts of missions, the chances of ambush, capture, and torture are much higher.  
  
  
  
The teams Kakashi is placed on almost never work with him. Usually, Kakashi works for them, assuming the role of an underling—that, or he isn’t allowed to work at all, because the mission leader says he must. Kakashi obeys, because Kakashi is a perfect shinobi, and perfect shinobi never disobey their superiors.  
  
  
  
When most of the teams Kakashi’s on put down camp for the night, it is usually Kakashi’s job to gather the firewood and hunt and cook dinner. He is never allowed to take any of the watch shifts during the night. Supposedly, it’s because of his age, and what the lack of sleep would do to his health. Kakashi is of the opinion that it’s just because they don’t trust a six-year-old Uzushio brat to spot danger in the middle of the night, even if he’s a chuunin. He resents this because a perfect shinobi should be able to stay awake for over three days in a row and still be able to spot and track a rabbit trail on the night of a new moon. Kakashi is enough of a shinobi to take on one measly shift.  
  
  
  
The times when Kakashi’s team is ambushed, though, he’s left to his own devices. Kakashi has to fight off enemy shinobi by himself, but that’s fine by him. A perfect shinobi should not need to rely on others to defend themselves. Only civilians and the weak do that.

 

* * *

   
_Once, Kakashi was placed on a team that did assist him in a battle against some idiot civilians—probably bandits, but Kakashi never knew for sure. Long after the fighting was over, Kakashi had overheard the older shinobi complaining about having such a useless brat on the team, a brat that could only be a liability to the mission._  
  
  
  
_Kakashi was pretty sure the convenience of their location in regards to his hearing range wasn’t exactly a mistake._  
  
  
  
_Ironically, or maybe not, it was that same team that was also the one to order him to stand aside and let the “real shinobi” deal with transporting the scroll to the daimyo. The scroll was a tax report, which Kakashi hadn’t thought was important enough to warrant such lack of trust. When the team had returned to Konoha, Kakashi was reported for not contributing to the completion of the mission and also disrespecting his superiors. Kakashi received a warning but thankfully did not get a mark on his record._  
  
  
_  
__(His father hadn’t had_ ** _any_** marks on his record until that mission—)

 

* * *

  
  
Sometimes when fighting, his teammates aren’t very careful with their weapons, and there are a few battles where Kakashi spends more time dodging his own team’s horribly-aimed kunai and shuriken than the enemy’s attacks. When he brings this up with one of his mission leaders, however, Kakashi is dismissed with a sneer and the advice “good shinobi aren’t affected by a misaimed kunai. You sure you deserve that vest, Hatake boy?”  
  
  
  
Kakashi doesn’t bring it up again. He is a good shinobi, and good shinobi are shinobi who don’t mess up just because their teammates can’t afford to handle him with kid gloves.  
  
  
  
There is one mission though, that is far worse from the rest. It is on that mission that Kakashi finally realizes that he can never rely on teammates if he ever wants to survive.

 

* * *

 

Kakashi is alone, busily gathering any burnable wood and grasses near the team’s camp when it happens. He has a small pile of the driest twigs and branches he can find, which isn’t much. Normally, a fire jutsu would have helped dry the wood, but Kakashi doesn’t know any himself, and his teammates are more likely to mock him than help. Rain is, unfortunately, common in the Land of Fire, and though it can’t compare to the Land of Rain, completely dry wood is rare. Kakashi’s team can’t use wet wood, as the amount of smoke from burning it might as well be a blaring signal for any possible enemy shinobi teams waiting to sabotage the supply run.  
  
  
  
A slight stinging sensation from his left calf is his only warning. Kakashi instinctively tries to clasp a hand over the wound, only to feel a thin piece of metal sticking out of his calf. Kakashi’s eyes widen and he yanks the senbon out and away. His hand darts towards his kunai pouch as he bolts upright. It’s too late, though. The feeling of nausea wells up in him fiercely, and he sways, head spinning. The sedative is ruthlessly efficient. It takes only a second or two before Kakashi can no longer think clearly enough to fight. He fumbles, and the kunai in his hand falls from his loose grasp. Lethargy sweeps over him, and Kakashi sways too far forward, crashing to the ground as his eyes drift shut.

 

* * *

  
  
Kakashi wakes in the middle of a foreign camp. He finds himself suspended, tied to a tree, stripped of weapons and most of his clothing. A fire crackles not five meters away, and enemy shinobi are scattered around the small clearing, all deceptively relaxed and looming menacingly. Shadows flicker across their faces, lit eerily by the small camp fire. One shinobi stands in front of him, dressed in the standard red uniform of Iwagakure. The man steps closer, and Kakashi flinches, unable to hold onto his normal attempt at self-control. The shinobi stops, staring at him with blank eyes, before turning to the rest of his team.  
  
  
  
"He's awake."  
  
  
  
Another shinobi, obviously the leader, glances up from his position by the fire. "You know what to do."  
  
  
  
The Iwa-nin nods, and faces Kakashi again.  
  
  
  
Kakashi has heard of those who are captured, has heard about the discovery of their mangled bodies, of the failed rescue missions and hostage situations. Somehow, though, he has never considered the possibility of being abducted himself with more than a sort of abstract acknowledgment. Kakashi has felt the pain of broken bones and cuts of various severity, however, and he knows pain intimately enough to be terrified of what is to come.  
  
But he is a shinobi, and shinobi are strong. Shinobi do not betray their comrades and their village, even under duress.  
  
He clenches his eyes shut tight, and feels his muscles tense, but he does not cry, scream or sob in fear.  
  
He can hold out. He will be a good shinobi, a strong shinobi, at least until his team comes to get him. He can wait that long.  
  
  
  
He barely notices the genjutsu that washes over him.

 

* * *

  
It only takes a day for Kakashi to discover what the shinobi that captured him are after. Kakashi was not captured for information, but to act as bait. He is only a six-year-old chuunin, his security clearance might as well be non-existent, and the Iwa nin have decided that interrogating him is ultimately useless. This, surprisingly, does not comfort Kakashi, as his death seems imminent.  
  
  
  
Kakashi just wants to go home.  
  
  
  
Despite the fact that he was captured to lure his teammates into a trap, Kakashi cannot help but hope they will come for him. He remembers the scornful sneers and mocking tones of his teammates, of course, but the doubts of a wary mind cannot overcome the innocence of a child.  
  
Minato-sensei told Kakashi that if he was ever captured he would not have to worry, that his team would always come for him.  
  
And Kakashi holds out hope.

* * *

  
  
They don’t come.  
  
Of _course_ they wouldn’t come.  
  
Kakashi doesn’t know why he ever could have thought otherwise.  
  
Stupid.  
  
Good Shinobi do not hinder the mission.  
  
Good Shinobi do not get captured, and if they do, they escape on their own.  
  
Good Shinobi are the ones that can come back home alive and accepted.  
  
  
  
Kakashi had overheard his captors as they debate their next course of action. According to the Iwa team’s spies, Kakashi’s team left without him to complete the mission. The captain of the team is surprised that their plan failed, as Konoha shinobi are infamous for their loyalty and sacrificial tendencies, and leaving a team member—a child, at that—for dead seems out of character.

 

Konoha shinobi are loyal but Kakashi knows better. Uzushio traitors are not the same as loyal Konoha nin.

  
Kakashi also knows that if he is to survive and return to Konoha, he must escape by himself.  
  
After all, there’s no need to cast out bait if the fish have all swum away.

 

* * *

  
  
He waits until right before dawn. Kakashi sends small but sharp blasts of chakra out from his fingertips and into the wood of the tree he is tied to, bark splintering easily. He keeps at it until the outer layer of bark is stripped away, and the rope is loose enough for him to make hand seals, as well as work himself out of the bonds.  
  
The kunoichi currently on watch is settled on the other side of the campsite, eyes half-lidded but sharp as her gaze sweeps around the clearing in a deceptively lazy fashion. With a few silent hand seals, Kakashi casts a mediocre genjutsu over where he’s sitting. Hopefully, it will be enough for him to escape without notice. Kakashi isn’t particularly talented at genjutsu, mostly because of his lack of imagination, but his ability to notice details and objectively see perspective allows him to weave at least somewhat adequate illusions.  
  
He slips out of his bonds with caution now, heart beating an anxious rhythm as he goes. Adrenaline fuels him, telling him to run, to make a break for it, even as he fights the urge to dash away. He creeps slowly, carefully, moving only inches at a time. Once, he is sure that the kunoichi has spotted him, but he remembers Minato-sensei’s teachings and remains still anyway. Luckily, the kunoichi seems to have missed the signs of his genjutsu, and her hawk-like stare moves on. The minutes tick by agonizingly slowly, and the sun is cresting the hills by the time Kakashi reaches the edge of the clearing. He’d left a clone of himself tied to the tree. With any luck, it should last a few more hours before dispelling. Kakashi takes a deep breath before plunging into the forests of Konoha, one step closer to his village.

 

* * *

  
  
Over the course of the next three days, Kakashi slowly makes his way back home. He’d go faster, but his wounds are still healing, and no matter how hard he pushes himself he can’t even cover the distance of a seasoned genin might in one day. His stamina has always, unfortunately, been a weakness of his. Good shinobi should have no weaknesses. Kakashi will have to train this weakness out of himself in the future.

 

  
The days begin to blur together even as seconds pass by with an agonizingly slow pace. Kakashi is often too paranoid to sleep, which later causes his steps to drag and his pace to slow to that of a civilian’s. This snail-like progress only succeeds in heightening Kakashi’s paranoia, and every slight rustle of a leaf or whistle of the wind causes Kakashi’s breath to quicken and eyes to dart about like cornered prey. He feeds himself by raiding the pantries of small farm homes in his path and he gathers edible plants when he finds them. He does not bother with hunting—it requires more time and attention than he can afford. Kakashi uses the one water jutsu he knows to supply water.  
  
  
  
Kakashi is only six, and pushing his body to such an extent—and with so little amount of sleep—almost kills him. His body finally gives out a few kilometers away from his village’s walls. Kakashi collapses on the side of one of the main roads to Konoha and is found by a patrol team only a day later, running a high fever and still unconscious. The patrol that finds him immediately rushes the small genin to the hospital, notifying the Hokage of the miraculous discovery of the boy.  
  
  
  
The six-year-old chuunin is stuck in the hospital for the next few days. It takes two for him to wake, but only one for him to attempt an escape from the horrid building with blinding white walls and too many windows, doors, and vents to protect himself from. Unfortunately, his escape attempt is futile, and he has to content himself with writing and sending his mission report instead of sleeping. Kakashi refuses to sleep—monsters lurk in his dreams, and he is that much more vulnerable while sleeping.  
  
  
  
His second day awake, Kakashi is ordered to report to the Hokage—to his medic's outrage—and Kakashi wastes no time. Though he dreads the esteemed leader's judgment of his poor performance, he is eager to redeem himself as soon as possible.  
  
  
  
The prodigy chuunin enters the Hokage's office apprehensively. The office is minimalistic, with few decorations other than shelves full of dusty scrolls, a desk, a window overlooking Konoha, and the Hokage himself. Kakashi is dwarfed by the arching ceiling and towering bookshelves, but he refuses to show his intimidation. A Good Shinobi should not show, or even have, emotions.

 

Before Kakashi is the Hokage, with dark brown hair and a stern slant to his lips. The Sandaime speaks slowly—softly, like Minato-sensei. Kakashi doesn’t like the tone the Third uses, but something in him shies away from the idea of voicing it. Maybe it’s because, in contrast to his tone, the Hokage’s eyes are cold and sharp, unlike Sensei. Hokage-sama asks for a verbal report of his last mission, and Kakashi speaks because the Sandaime’s eyes are cold and Kakashi is a perfect shinobi who never disobeys his leader, despite the inexplicable feeling of a rock clogging his throat and slowly choking him, trying to force his lips closed.  
  
  
  
At first, the words flow easily, and Kakashi recounts the events leading up to his kidnapping abruptly and simply, expending no effort to pretty his words. But suddenly Kakashi can’t seem to get the words out, despite how much he tries. He doesn't understand. It should be simple, to tell of his ambush and interrogation. There is no plausible reason for the burning in his eyes and clenching of his heart as his lungs forget to breathe— _useless_ ** _boy_** _get up what are you_ ** _doing_** _? A_ ** _good_** _shinobi reports to the Hokage with no silly things like_ ** _feelings_** _hindering them_ —  
  
  
  
Kakashi’s surroundings begin to close in on him, pressing and pressing _and pressing_ —

The ceiling traps him in, moving lower and lower.

 

He wants to run and run and hide from something from everything but he's stuck.

His limbs are locked in place and the world is wrong, wrong, wrong and Kakashi hates it.

This separate place consists of only him, and Kakashi can feel each and every vein and heartbeat.

The hotness of his veins and the coldness of his heart is suddenly the only thing that matters.

Vaguely, he makes out the Hokage standing up from behind his desk.

His mouth is moving. Kakashi hears him but can't speak. His chest is compressing, folding under pressure.

Kakashi thinks he feels fire trailing down his cheeks.

He's breathing but he's drowning. He can't breathe. His gasps are faster and he wants to run away and wants to hide forever.

 

He does hear his own frantic gasps for air. Pitiful. Weak. Desperate to escape something from nothing at all.

 

Hejust wants them to come back _, he doesn’t want to go back, why didn't they_ _come back,_ he is _alone_ and _abandoned_ and _deserted_ and _he just wants tou-san_ —

 

It _hurts_.

  
  
  
But slowly, he becomes aware of an echo. It is low and soothing, calming his spiral of despair. He feels a light touch on his shoulder, and the gentle tone is coaxing him forward, despite the insistent, desperate, weak efforts of the fading ocean. He drifts, out of the vast expanse of space and the nothing that his mind has created and back into the corporeal world. Kakashi feels wrung out like a worn cloth bandage, still cold and numb and useless. The the Sandaime is crouched in front of him. He wears an expression that Kakashi can only identify as pain.

 

  
  
  
  
Kakashi doesn’t like that look. He especially doesn’t like it on the Sandiame. It reminds him of the expression his father had whenever Kakashi made his own breakfast because he had forgotten that his father was home that day and was able to do the cooking instead for once.  
  
  
  
(It also reminds him of those days, after that mission, when other shinobi, their families, and their clans would shun them, and Kakashi would come home some days with scrapes and cuts on his elbows, hands, and knees, along with a story about three idiots who thought it was a good idea to threaten _Hatake Kakashi_ , the genius Hatake.)  
  
  
  
Luckily, the Sandaime’s expression soon smooths out. He asks Kakashi whether he is alright, and suggests that Kakashi can instead speak to another trusted authority for his verbal report. Kakashi swiftly and brutally shoots that possibility down, as much as he wants to see Minato-sensei or Kushina-neesan. He is a Good Shinobi, and Good Shinobi keep control of themselves when giving a verbal report.  
  
  
  
Scrawny, six-year-old Kakashi only looks smaller as he once again stands before the Sandaime’s desk. His bony shoulders are straightened in a show of strength and confidence, even as the minute shaking of his body give away his state of vulnerability. Both the Sandaime and Kakashi elect to ignore this. As long as Kakashi can keep himself together enough to do his job, it is of no concern.  
  
  
  
Kakashi manages to finish his report with no more major breakdowns. It’s only when he arrives at his familiar—yet so unfamiliar—apartment that he is unable to hold back the rest of his tears.

 

Kakashi misses his father but he hates that he does. So he thinks that he misses Minato-sensei and Kushina-neesan, instead, though he’d rather not miss anyone at all.

 

  
  
After the disastrous mission and subsequent kidnapping, Kakashi no longer goes on missions with other shinobi without Minato-sensei. Kakashi doesn’t really know why, but he can’t bring himself to care enough to ask.

 

He’s content to act as the kunai, rather than the hand that guides it. After all, a Good Shinobi is a perfect weapon, and weapons do not need to know what the hand is wielding it for, only that it does what it is intended to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anything you read particularly pierced your heart, let me know in the comments! ;(
> 
> Special thanks to falterth! (I revised the panic attack just like you asked, but perhaps a little more dramatized than was recommend...heh heh) Seriously, ur awesome!


End file.
